Week 71 - How to talk to ghosters 👻

Hey my friend, I bet you stop messaging someone simply because they didn't answer two or three messages (if not, please answer this email; I have some questions for you!), but actually, it’s just the beginning of a future conversation 😏

So today, let's talk about why silence isn't always rejection, how curiosity turns "no" into valuable feedback, and why the best outreach messages are built not through assumptions but real conversations 🤓

Try This Yourself

When I say that I send around 6-7 messages before people answer me, folks usually say I’m very persistent and that they stop after around 2-3 messages.

But there are a few things that happen when you message longer:

• people get used to your messages, so you don’t feel like a complete stranger anymore,

• you don’t know what a specific person’s pain is, and when you try different messages, some will fall on deaf ears, and some will hit them right in the bull's-eye,

• at some point, people simply notice that you consistently show up, and the timing finally becomes right to answer.

Also, trust me, when you start messaging, you won’t sound right. You will get a lot of nos (the best case) and ghosting. But the more you try, the better you’ll understand your ideal customer, and the more you will hone your message.

I call it Minimum Viable Messaging (MVM): you start with one message, send it to a dozen people, get feedback, improve it, send it to others, improve again, and continue this cycle until you have 2-3 converting message sequences that you keep on using.

And I’m not sending some random text (well, it might sound random - sometimes I re-read some of the messages and think, “Did I write that?” 😲😅), but I try to ensure it’s answering their silent question “What’s in it for me?”

You have to sound beneficial to them, so when they think about whether to answer and/or go on a coffee chat, or just check their LinkedIn feed (or do something useful), they have to choose you.

Funny enough, I also noticed that my best-performing messages are usually the ones that sound the most like me, not the most polished (that's exactly The Authenticity Principle in action that I wrote about in Week 68 – Why a raw you is better than a polished you).

But how do I know what they actually need? 🤔

I might put myself in their shoes and assume what they need, but still it won’t work 100%. And the biggest mistake here isn't writing a bad message, but assuming you already know what the other person needs.

That’s exactly why I’m curious and always asking questions!

(Actually, that’s what I wrote about in Week 56 – What You Say Is Not What Others Hear: instead of assuming what people think or need, I'd rather ask and actually find out)

Every time someone says “no” to me, I ask “why?”- like, what’s the reason behind this. Because when people say “no”, of course, it might be a final “no”, but usually they just don’t understand what you want from them, and don’t want to spend time figuring it out.

The funny part is that MVM (Minimum Viable Messaging) not only improves your messages. It improves your understanding of people because every conversation teaches you a little more about what others actually care about.

For example, recently I asked a person if they’d be open to having a coffee chat about growing the independent talent market in Poland, and they said “no.”

I could have accepted this answer and thought that I was doing something wrong. But when I asked “why?”, they said they actually like what I do and the energy and passion I put into it; it’s just they’re not working with freelancers, and when they do, they will definitely connect with me. Also, they will check whether someone in their network is doing this type of work and connect us.

I call this the Feedback Principle: every "no" teaches you something if you're curious enough to ask why!

tl;dr Don't treat silence or rejection as failure. Treat it as feedback. The more you learn from people, the better your message becomes.

Expand Your Mindset

Remember, in cheesy love comedy-dramas, a main character is being dumped by their partner with the words: “It’s not you, it’s me?” They cry, get into depression, but during the movie, they find the most perfect match ever (still, nobody knows what happens next 😅)

Well, what if it’s actually true? 🤔 And people are being honest and nice by kinda saying “I’m not worthy of your time and attention, and I tell you this upfront, so you can get something better” (there are 8 billion people out there, so chances are rather high!)

We’ll never know that because those movies (and many sad people) teach us that everyone is bad, they want to hurt us, and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and at the end of the day, we must just move on or/and become Jokers 🙈😜

I currently have over 11K connections on LinkedIn, and I’ve had at least one message exchange with over 7K of them, and even more if I count all the other people I’ve met and talked to through communities I’ve built or events I’ve participated in.

And I can tell you something I learned from Coach Beard (who learned it from Ted Lasso) and actually confirmed it through practice: “All people are different people.”

If I had taken all the negatively framed messages I’ve gotten personally, I should have stopped talking to people, become a hermit, and taken a vow of silence 😲

Still, people may read the same message differently (check out an example in Week 56 - What you say is not what others hear), while not in a good mood, distracted, and stressed by hundreds of things happening around and to them.

So why the hell on Earth should I take things personally? 🙈

The older I get, the more I realize that most people aren't against me. They're simply living their own complicated lives. Just like me. Just like you!

And when people tell me something like “It’s not you, it’s me,” I thank them, propose to stay friends, and go to another person 😉

tl;dr Most rejection isn't personal. It's contextual. The sooner you stop making yourself the center of every "no," the easier it becomes to keep building meaningful relationships.

Now I'm curious 🤓

What's the most valuable lesson you've ever learned from someone saying "no" to you?

How did it change the way you approach people today?

Hit reply and tell me your story. I genuinely read every message, and many of your experiences end up shaping future Friendworking principles 😉

💡 What influenced me this week 💡

Thoughts of the week:

• “Asking a single question on a thank-you page ("What almost stopped you from buying?") can teach you more than a $15k CRO audit.” - The Indie Hackers newsletter

• “You've got a perfect sleep score, but no friends.” - Sahil Bloom’s newsletter

• “You don't need to trust in your plan or your intelligence. You need to trust in your ability to adapt on the fly.” - Sahil Bloom’s newsletter

• “We know what we really want, but we’re too afraid to go all in. Because to go all in is to expose yourself to real failure. To be completely naked.” - Sahil Bloom’s newsletter

• “We regret action in the short-term, but inaction in the long-term.” - Sahil Bloom’s newsletter

• “Children’s brains are shaped by the imperfections of real interactions, which build resilience for life with other humans.” - Dr. Dana Suskind, „Human Raised”, The Economist

Song of the week:

Book and quotes of the week:

Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter by Liz Wiseman

“If you ask people to take on the impossible in the right way, it can actually create more safety than if you ask for something easier.”

“Multipliers don’t focus on what they know but on how to know what others know. They operate on the assumption that with enough good minds on it, we can figure it out.”

“Multipliers enable others to operate independently by giving other people ownership of results and investing in their success”

Tools that I use with referrals:

• Descript - for anything around podcasting and video editing

• Beehiiv - for a newsletter (that’s what you receive 😅)

• Text Blaze - to access message templates with shortcuts (like “/ty”)

• Exali - promo “FROMYURII” - indemnity insurance for independent experts in Europe

• Manus - for building complex systems and projects

Daily actions:

• tell 1 person what I’m thankful to them for

• read a self-development book/listen to a professional podcast for 15 minutes

• make a valuable post/comment on LinkedIn

• tag 10 people in my connections database

• connect with 30 interesting people on LinkedIn

Weekly actions:

• connect 2 people who I believe need to be connected

• invite 30 people to follow the Community ROI podcast.

If you have any thoughts, ideas, or questions, please 👇

And if you’d like to have more 👋 Friendworking in your life 👇

See you next week! 👋